How to Get Someone to Admit They Cheated
If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that you know how common this question really is. I’m asked a lot of questions about catching or confronting cheating and I believe this one is by far one of the most common. The fact is, as bad as dealing with a cheating partner is, most people would much prefer that the cheater admit the betrayal themselves rather than your having to catch them.
I believe that the perception is that if they have enough respect for you to admit their deception, then there is at least something redeemable about the situation. Most people see placing proof in front of the cheating partner and demanding that they stop their lies as sort of the last resort. Many people perceive catching them in the act of cheating as even less desirable. Therefore, the following article will focus on methods that you can try to appeal to them and convince them that admitting their cheating is simply the right thing (or the only thing) to do.
What You Have To Overcome To Get Them To Admit They Are Cheating: Before I get to specifics, I have to tell you that this isn’t likely to be easy. If your partner was comfortable with your knowing about their “other” relationship, then they wouldn’t have gone through the trouble of hiding it. Most of the time, people who cheat have some moral dilemma to over come in the beginning, but once they do, and once they begin to commit to their lies, it’s very hard to go back at that point. Often, they’ve weaved a whole untrue little tale that begins to build upon itself. So, once they admit to one lie, then they are ultimately admitted to tons of them and they often just are not willing to do this.
This may be an oversimplification, but they aren’t telling you the truth because they don’t feel safe in doing so. They feel that it’s in their, or even your, best interest for them to continue lying. Many people will try to get around this by reassuring their partner with something like “no matter what you tell me, we can get through anything, etc.” The problem is, the partner, boyfriend, spouse, etc. knows very well that what you’re asking him to tell you is not your run in the mill little problem like he overcharged your bank account or he forgot to take the dog to get his shots.
No, you’re asking him to disclose a deal breaker which he knows is going to cause a lot of pain, drama, and turmoil. He knows you’re going to see him in an entirely different light and are going to be devastated. He also knows that you might tell others. He knows full well that the fall out of this is going to be brutal. So, in his mind, it’s much easier to just keep his lips zipped and to continue to deny. He’s hoping that you will eventually give up or that he’ll be able to cover his tracks better in the future.
Trying The Non confrontational Strategy To Get Them To Admit Their Cheating: Most people intuitively know that if they lash out at their partner and very verbally demand answers with an angry stance, then they are often only going to meet resistance. If you come at them with phrases like “I know that you’re cheating on me and I’m going to catch you so you might as well just save us both a lot of time and admit it,” then the chances are very good that they are going to become defensive. Very few people are going to say “Yep, you’re absolutely right. I give up right now.”
See, they already have too much time and deception invested here. They’ve already been through all of the potential responses in their mind and have already come up with the answers. You’re usually much better off coming at them in a loving way. It’s more difficult for them to respond negatively if you don’t give them a reason to be angry. Instead of making accusations, you want to come at them like you’re asking them to help you out. An example is something like “I know this is going to sound crazy, but your absences and coldness has my imagination running away with me. As silly as it sounds, I’m worried that you’re cheating or not telling me the truth.”
You’ve presented it in such a way that you aren’t confrontational. They have no reason to lash out at you. Their choice here is to either comfort you and offer reassurances or to remove themselves from the situation and retreat. Which happens will give you some indication as to what’s really happening. In the days to come, their behavior may or may not change. Watch closely to see which happens.
Often this nice guy or gal routine is not going to give you complete answers. But, you’ve begun the process in a non accusatory way. So, when this thing is still not resolved, you’ve set yourself up to press harder without appearing to be the bad guy. Next time, you can tell them that you’re still feeling doubts and noticing issues. Therefore, you need more than just verbal reassurances. You want phone logs, text messages, emails, etc. Now, if they are truly innocent, they might get irritated by this, but once they calm down, they will often offer you what you’ve asked. If they don’t, then you know exactly where you need to look when you dig deeper. (What they are most defensive about is often right where you need to look.)
If All Else Fails, Gather Proof And Use This To Enhance The Conversation: Hopefully, the fact that you’ve come to them in good faith is going to count for something. You took the high road and came to them first. You gave them every opportunity to make things right. If they still are not willing to do this and you’re still seeing those indicators that they are cheating, then eventually you will have to come to the conclusion that they aren’t going to offer honesty willingly.
As a last resort, you may have to get what you’ve asked them for yourself. Often when people are starring right at the incriminating phone or computer print outs know that the whole deception has reached its end. I know that this is the last resort, and of course you should try to talk to them, appeal to them, and ask them questions coupled with reassurances first, but know that there are other options should these things fail. And you can often continue right on with your same stance when you show them what you know. They will know that you used this as a last resort.