The Most Uninteresting Man in the World
There is a man who lives four houses down from me and he is the most uninteresting man in the world.
He always drinks beer, but would never even try a Dos Equis.
He drives a beige car that looks like every other car ever made.
Out to a restaurant for breakfast, he orders toast with no butter served open-faced on a piece of toast with no butter.
Last week he repainted his entire house from a can that promised a clear finish that would not alter the original paint in any way.
His mother has a picture of him on her dresser, but it is actually a photo of some other child.
His wife and he got married with hopes of having 2.3 children.
Marketing consultants call him to find out what the average person wants to buy.
George W. Bush spent a week at his ranch alone with my neighbor and never could come up with a nickname for him.
Even his wife cannot tell when he has been drinking because a lack of personality can never be altered.
The church he attends worships no deity and has no doctrine of any kind.
No known religion has ever found anything about my neighbor’s behavior to be objectionable in the slightest.
His favorite joke has no punch line and is not even supposed to be funny.
This man could have had a perfect life of crime because no one would ever pick him out of a lineup.
Someone published an unauthorized tell-all book about him and everyone who bought it killed themselves so they would not have to finish reading it.
A group of people once agreed that he was interesting, but then quickly realized that they were actually referring to someone else who was in fact nothing like my neighbor.
He is the most uninteresting man in the world.